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| hmmmmmm.
this life is so crazy.
WHYYYYYY THE HECK DO YOU AAAAAAAAAALL THINK THAT?
you just have absolutely no idea, do you, about the kind of effect you're having, just thinking that? haynako.
waah! change topic na nga muna. if i keep on writing about that i am just going to explode with so many bad things to say. rar. rar. rar. okiamstoppingmyselfalready....
hmm. ok, start anew. :D smile a little. :)
i was re-reading my lj entries just a few minutes ago. and, guess all the interesting and sad-that-it's-true stuff i wrote:
1. something that started out as nothing, but then became something big. (labo, haha)
and...there's this SMALL problem of certain things that are going around that are totally untrue and baseless. but again, that is all i can allow myself to say. haay. too bad.
2. something that i wish i could write about again, in place of the above-written, which i always write about and which makes me sick. haha.
there's a chance. that it wasn't just something you made up to fill up the empty spaces of our conversation. (oh how i really really really wish.)
there. haha. the number 2 thing is making me smile. hahaha. :D yey. today, despite the ( oh-so many things that would necessarily make this a bad day ), i did all i could to just shrug it off. i am giving myself a break--emotionally, i mean. after all, i've been letting too many things get too far in my heart, that it affects the other aspects of my life.
haaay, that's all really. a probe in the extremely boring life of ice. i swear, if by my birthday i still do not have a lovelife---wala lang. then i don't have one. hahahahaha. loser, that is what i am. LO-SER.
oooh-weeeeeeee. haynako. why won't he say anything. i know he wants to say something. darn it, talk! talk talk talk. why won't you talk? | | |
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Nothing hurts when no one's real
would it follow, then, that nothing hurts when nothing's real? when the words you don't want to hear won't be heard? when actions, that flicker in the eye, that hesitation at goodbye, goodnight, even hello, that shifting of your view, the way you forget that i'm your friend too.
could it possibly follow, that assuming that thing never happened, we never heard what they said, then this achingly growing distance isn't real? that maybe, this is all just a figment of my easily override-prone imagination?
because i hate it.
i hate it all.
but, i won't escape from the present. i have learned that the we are closest to God when we live in the present. living in the future, in the fears and anxieties it holds, can do nothing but destroy us. the present is the closest we can be to eternity.
i realize that i can no longer ignore the questions of my other friends. i can no longer just feebly smile at them and tell them i am ok. i've let myself get too into this. i know that my friendships are my weaknesses. when it comes to them, i seem to lose my oh-so-strong opinions, my will, my strength, my steadiness--assuming i ever really possessed these qualities.
i once hated the fact that whenever i'd finish crying, there would be no trace of it after. at all. once the tears dried up, my face would return to its normal color, my eyes won't have that sparkle that crying eyes usually have. no part of my face would be red or sore. so imagine my chagrin, no one would no i cried, so no one would comfort me.
now i think i am thankful. less questions. less probes into things i can't let out anyway.
better this way for the meantime.
caffeine has this nice song. balls and chains.
Where were you when times were tough
Where were you when I'd had enough
Were you there when I was down
I was there and I saw you frown
I was there when you were sad
And every little thing made you feel so bad
Now I'm here at home
In this room with no doors
And the walls are closing in
And I feel so alone
because with a suddenness i never saw coming, you, of all friends, abandoned me. and believe me, i am so tired of writing such sad entries. i am tired of having to pour this all out here. soo tired. but how else will i tell you but through this fantasy that you, by some miracle will chance upon this, and read it, and recognize that you are the one i am talking about.
i can never be certain of course. but in the meantime, this wishful thinking of mine will have to do, in place of talking to you.
caffeine. i love you. you seem to take the words from my mouth.
Just opened my eyes
to see what's left
and what is not
everything's in pieces
or that's what I think I see
something's dripping down my nose
or that's what I think I smell
stop crying my dear
it is your scream I hate to hear
I can't feel but I'm sure I will
this may not be real
not afraid of what I'll see
but afraid if there is
nothing at all to see
I can't feel but I'm sure I will
how about staying alive?
how about getting out?
how about getting back?
to the minute
I went wrong? | | |
| what i like about updating my xanga again: hardly anyone knows it. haha. | | |
| BLIND.
that's what i've been. galing talaga.
i don't know who or what to believe anymore.  what to think. how to feel. how to react when you do what you do. why must you be that way? did i ever actually do anything that would make you do that, or think that? don't tell me that this is going to suffer just because of what some people--who don't even have any idea what's really going on--say or think. argh! i want to give you the benefit of the doubt--believe me, i do. but look at you, look at what's happening. what, just because i don't do anything about it, suddenly, i'm just another batchmate to you? thanks, ah. to think i thought more of you than that.
but that's not the worst of it. the worst of it is all this i'm saying, you'll never read it. you'll never hear me say this to you. you'll never know how terrible it feels to know that you're moving farther and farther away and i can't do anything about it because i could never pluck up the courage to come up to you and tell all. and so, great. the year will end, putting to an end as well a friendship that was so strong at the start of the year. a friendship that made up for all the other lost friendships.
i hate myself. in my whole life, i have never cried over love like the way i cry over my friends, or lack thereof. bakit ba ang drama ko...? i don't want to be this weak anymore. and, ang galing, usually, whenever i'd feel like this i'd just talk to you and i'd feel better. now, i can't even tell you what's on my mind. so i have to keep everything inside again. how do you relate your problem and ask for consolation from the person who is the very root of the problem?
i looked at myself in the mirror earlier, and i wondered if anyone notices that i hardly smile for real anymore. i wondered if this tired, heavily bagged eyelids would ever be lit up again. galing. last month, i was happy. pretty much on the 9th cloud. how true, the higher you are, the harder you fall.
i looked at myself and tried to smile. well, i tried to. haha.
babyface: "you were there, when no one was. just when i thought nobody cared." are you still there?
am i naive or just plain pathetic?
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| this day. hmm.
i am so proud of krisha and ro-an! haha. a very good job, you guys. and to think that just this morning neither of you wanted to debate. hahaha.  anyway, there. the topic in this debate was pretty interesting. what would happen if there were no freshmen-senior integration? somehow, i feel that high school life just wouldn't be the same.
the day was pretty much going uphill, then things sort of collapsed during club hour. ho-hum. ok, first of all, i am way tired of competing in math and science. honestly. why can't i not join for once, huh? but alright, i'd still do it for our school. this is what i do not understand: there's an offer for an extemporaneous speaking contest. i want to try. i love speech. and i want to do this because it's something i've never tried before. competing inter-school, i mean. but nooooo.... she frowned, and said, "wag, iba nalang." thanks ah. ok. i understand that others should be given a chance to do it. but no one else in the club was willing. i was. i still am. oh fine. i was just a little hurt i guess.hmm.
i hope next year things are better at kapha.  the trainings, i mean. and all the other activities and stuff. although, we should be having jackets already. if they ever make them, even if its next year, i should have a complementary one. hmph! haha. man, i just realized i am going to miss my club next year. man, i cannot believe i am leaving these people. these sophies and juniors who seem like my out-of-the-batch barkada. haha. that's funny. but i am going to miss them. but there are still a coupld of more club meetings to spend with them. i should not be sentimental so early on. hahaha. 
as usual, only a few of us showed up in TAE again. i am telling these people, if this goes on for the next couple of days, i am personally dropping this thing. i want to do it to the best of our abilities, but if we're not motivated to do it anymore, pano na yun? can an actress make the audience happy with her play when she herself is not happy while making it? haynako. wake up, TAE. get up on your feet and let's work again. even with the lack of people in practice, we still had fun. we just spent more than an hour talking about so many things. haha. todo laugh trip. we talked about the sophies, teachers, and our own batchmates and their boo-boos.  hahaha.
oh well, there. i don't want to talk anymore--or write, technically speaking.
i want to say that i'm a little more satisfied of myself today--this week. except i'm not. i don't know. i just feel that there's this thing that's missing.
may kulang pa.
may MALAKING kulang.
pero...ano? | | |
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